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  • Cold Days: A Novel of the Dresden Files
    Cold Days: A Novel of the Dresden Files
    by Jim Butcher

    Butcher has done it again. After 14 books, the Dresden Files is still my favorite book series. If you’re a fan, you know why you’re a fan. If you’ve never read any of this series, start with book one, Storm Front. This is not one of those series where you can pick and choose which ones you want to read. Well, you could, but it would suck.

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My Wife is Trying to Kill Me

You read that correctly. Andrea is trying to kill me.

OK, maybe my untimely demise isn’t her intended outcome. That doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. My sweet wife has recently taken up baking as a hobby. And, to my delight and my dismay, she’s getting really good at it.

The real problem is that we have both undertaken new projects that are in direct conflict. I just started a 100-day fitness challenge at my office. Andrea has decided to bake at least one different pie each week this year. That’s a minimum of 52 pies. Assuming that I have the willpower to limit myself to one piece of each pie[1], the math is not in my favor. I’ve estimated[2] a total for the year of 319.8 grams of protein, 1,716 grams of fat and 2,763 grams of carbohydrates, giving me a total of 27,352 p-Calories[3] for the year. That means I have ten extra pounds to work off that I haven’t even gained yet.

The best I can hope for is that Andi’s pies suck. This project means a lot to her, and I’m not wishing for her to fail. But if, by some misfortune, she did crank out one terrible, inedible pie after another, my job would get much easier. Judging by her efforts to date, this seems about as likely as me looking good in an athletic-fit t-shirt[4] by the end of the month.

Here are her endeavors to date, as well as my subjective and arbitrary rating for each:

  • Christmas Week: Chocolate Pecan Pie[5] (3.5/5)
  • January 1: Brown Sugar Buttermilk Pie[6] (2.5/5)
  • January 8: Amish Milk Pie[7] (5/5)
  • January 15: Angus Barn Chocolate Chess Pie[8] (4/5)
  • January 22: Impossible Pie[9] (1.5/5)
  • January 29: Butterscotch Pie[10] (3.5/5)

There is still nearly half of the butterscotch pie in our fridge as I type this. But I’m not going to have any more of it. Nope. I am the poster child for self control. I am king of the self control parade. Of course, if Andi had picked up on my hints and made another Amish milk pie, there wouldn’t be a problem. There would be no pie left in the fridge to worry about.

I’m sure there will be more to write as this pie vs. fitness story develops, and I plan on doing so. If the updates stop coming, you can just assume that I’ve gotten so fat that I have to wash myself with a rag on a stick.

  1. Highly unlikely.  ↩

  2. Of the pies she’s already made this year, I was only able to find the nutritional info for two of them. I averaged the two and multiplied by 52 to get my estimation. Very scientifical.  ↩

  3. p-Calories are the U.S. standard measurement for calories derived from pie. Do not confuse this with the European p-Calorie, which also includes calories delivered via cake and other pastries.  ↩

  4. The athletic-fit t-shirt has been in style for quite some time now. When is the chubbo-fit trend going to resurface? On me, an athletic-fit shirt looks more like a sausage casing. Hopefully not for much longer.  ↩

  5. Chocolate Pecan Pie: This pie did not suck. You can find the recipe in Ken Haedrich’s Pie: 300 Tried-and-True Recipes for Delicious Homemade Pie. This book can be used as evidence in the investigation surrounding my death.  ↩

  6. Brown Sugar Buttermilk Pie: This pie was only OK. I think it was executed well, but just not my kind of pie. This is the pie that gave me a glimmer of hope that I might make it through Andi’s year-long experiment alive. You can find the recipe on Martha Stewart’s website.  ↩

  7. Amish Milk Pie: I know it’s not the most enticingly named pie. It doesn’t matter. Take one bite, and you won’t care if it’s called “crap on a stick”. This is, without exaggeration, one of the most delicious desserts I have ever tasted. Andi says it wasn’t difficult to make. I suspect that is because she used witchcraft. You can find the recipe in Ken Haedrich’s Pie, if you dare. You will eat too much of it. I take no responsibility for any harm that comes to your body by doing so, nor am I responsible for any damage done to your soul as a result of your dabbling in the Dark Arts. You have been warned.  ↩

  8. Angus Barn Chocolate Chess Pie: Though it didn’t resemble any chess pie I’ve ever had, it was still delicious. I docked its rating only because it developed a fragile shell on top during baking that made it impossible to cut without demolishing said shell. Taken from Haedrich’s Pie.  ↩

  9. Impossible Pie: Finally, a pie had no problem avoiding. This one gave me hope that there are other recipes in the Pie book that I won’t like. I would describe it as a crustless coconut chess pie with twice the butter and none of the sugar. That being said, one of Andi’s coworkers loved it and begged her for the recipe. I can only assume this person just returned from being lost in the woods for months, having eaten nothing but toxic berries and tree bark.  ↩

  10. Butterscotch Pie: This pie, taken from the book Country Living: The Farm Chicks in the Kitchen would have scored higher, but the crust was a little gummy. Andrea says she didn’t roll it out thin enough, so it didn’t cook completely. Crust problems aside, the filling was great. Imagine a crust filled with a delicious, from-scratch butterscotch pudding, topped with fresh whipped cream and chilled in the fridge.  ↩

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Reader Comments (1)

Update: The butterscotch pie no longer exists.

January 31, 2012 | Registered CommenterBrook

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